


Out of the Fire (Into the Deep End)

by laterallygator



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, POV Alternating, Slow Burn, good luck, i guess?, i started writing this before episode 70 but then have been writing on and off since then, so like
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2020-05-02
Packaged: 2020-11-09 10:22:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20851874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laterallygator/pseuds/laterallygator
Summary: After releasing an ancient evil, losing a friend, and discovering countless other secrets, the Mighty Nein are trying their best to recenter. A trip to the coast could prove relaxing. Or it could blow up in their faces.Or: Fjord is tired of the cold. Caleb is tired of running.  It might not be as easy to escape these things as they'd hoped.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> yeesh, it is difficult to keep up with these two. anyway here's the beginnings of the idea that's been bouncing around my mind for a while. please attempt to enjoy as I hop through, around, and over canon events with reckless abandon. comments are appreciated unless they're mean.
> 
> also. playlist i made while writing this: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/54ysR1maGTcQGH5OPXSjQz

Fjord knew anger. He knew the way it boiled inside him, the way the pressure built in his chest until it felt like all his rage would bubble over, crashing over the side like waves over the railing. A long time ago, he realized he had to keep it in check; let it simmer and let it cool. If he didn’t, he would just end up being everything the world already thought he was. So he learned how to control it as best he could. First by burying it in silence, then by hiding it behind a lopsided grin.

He also knew sadness, he knew guilt, and he knew betrayal. These had felt so much like anger when he was younger that he’d tamped them down, too. He liked to think he’d learned the differences by now, but that didn’t mean he hid them any less.

He learned that sadness tended to come at night, when the asylum was dark and he laid in bed wondering what it would be like to have a mother to sing him to sleep, or a father to tell him bedtime stories. 

He learned that guilt came after sadness. Why should he be happy? He was a runt, he was a monster. He didn’t deserve a family like that, wouldn’t push it onto anyone. 

Then, years later, he learned betrayal. Standing on the deck of the Tide’s Breath, bloody and confused, he felt it churning in his stomach. He watched Sabian jump ship and sink beneath the waves and he knew he could finally name that feeling pooling deep in his gut.

Now, though, he couldn’t tell them apart at all. He felt like the scared, lost little boy at the orphanage who didn’t know why he was crying, he just knew that it hurt.

She turned on them. She hurt them. She lied to them. She… she heard him. 

_ What did she mean by that? _

He was shaken from his thoughts by Beau elbowing him with a gentleness he wasn’t used to from her. She looked up at him, her face pinched in an expression he recognized. Confusion and fear thinly veiled by her trademark scowl. He’d almost forgotten they were talking. He looked down, hoping she couldn’t see through him as easily as he’d seen through her.

“I just wanna know what happened.” He ran his hands nervously up his arms before crossing them in front of him. “I wanna know if it’s her.”

Fjord still couldn’t parse out all of the volatile emotions searing his insides. Was he angry with her? Was he angry with himself? There was betrayal, definitely, but the sorrow weighed so heavily, he didn’t know where the sting of her defection ended and the stab of his own guilt began.

The conversation continued and Fjord knew he was talking, could feel the tears staining his cheeks, but he was only half involved in it. He argued points he wasn’t even sure he believed just because they crossed his mind. He didn’t know what to think and the more he tried to figure it out, the more he felt like a ship in a storm. And every strike of lightning felt like a punch to the gut.

* * *

Caleb’s brain processed options quickly. He had been something of a prodigy, after all, and a clever mind was a necessity during his time at the Academy. It proved helpful still. In Darktow, his quick thinking saved all of their lives. In the Bright Queen’s throne room, he saved them again. He was good at determining when to gamble and when to run. At least, he hoped he was. A gamble is still a gamble, even when the promise of reward outweighs the prospect of danger.

_ Calculated risk, _drawled a voice in his head that was deeper than his own.

“We can’t tell her what we did,” that same voice murmured now. 

He looked over to Fjord, his brow furrowed in thought and fear. _ Nein, simply in thought _, he told himself hastily. But the smoldering tendrils of panic slowly creeping around his mind and smothering his too-fast heart said otherwise.

He focused in on the half-orc in front of him, letting the timbre of his voice pull him back to solid ground and out of the haze of anxiety beginning to cloud his thoughts. He let his fingers ghost over the scar that split his palm and he felt himself settle back into reality, like an anchor keeping a ship in port. It would have just been another scar to Caleb, but he sensed that it was more than that for Fjord. That was enough to give it meaning to him.

Fjord’s gaze was fixed on the ground at his feet, and he didn’t look up, even when he spoke. Caleb could see the streaks of tears that cut through the blood still covering the man’s face. He swayed slightly on his feet and had his arms crossed in a way that reminded Caleb of how he held himself when he awoke from yet another nightmare plagued by cinder and smoke. 

Feeling grounded once more, Caleb worked through his emotions briskly, coming around to the only option they had in just a matter of seconds. 

_ They had nothing. They had less than nothing. But they had information. This was too much for them alone. They had to run. He had to run. But they couldn’t run. They had to go back._

This conversation was just going in circles. Beau was convinced they hadn’t lost yet, Caduceus had a shaky plan, and Fjord could only see the risk. Telling the Bright Queen meant potentially giving up everything they worked so hard to achieve in Xhorhas. Everything Caleb had worked to achieve. But they couldn’t ignore this. It wasn’t an option.

“We’re dealing with things we don’t understand,” he said haltingly. “And I think it’s time to stop the con and face this.”

Caleb looked to the rest of the group and saw the same tear-stained cheeks on all of his friends’ faces. His vision blurred faintly, his own eyes prickling with emotion. He blinked hard.

“Why don’t we take it one step at a time. Tomorrow, we contact the queen from here. Come clean. Because whatever this is, it is bigger than us. We’ll read her reaction,” he paused, pursing his lips and swallowing down the lump of white-hot fear in his throat.

“We’ll make a decision after that.”

* * *

They actually contacted the Shadowhand first. It seemed like the safer bet. 

After nearly an hour of back and forth and a hefty amount of scratched out or crumpled drafts, they had finally figured out how to get most of the information in one message, then they could use extra spells for clarifying as needed. Which, unfortunately, was needed.

“Okay, so, basically, he wants us to go back to Rosohna so they can get all the information,” Jester said, clasping her hands together in her lap on the floor of the attic. She bit her lip lightly and glanced around at their ragtag group, now one down. No one looked too thrilled by this idea.

Near her on the floor, Caleb looked down and rubbed the back of his neck and Beau sighed loudly from her perch on a crate behind him. Caduceus leaned forward on the cot where he sat next to Fjord.

“But the answers are at the kiln, I thought we were going there next.” His voice was low and the look on his face made it clear that the politics of the matter were lost on him.

Fjord dragged a hand down his face and laid back on the bed with a groan. This was going great. 

“But he said we weren’t in trouble or anything!” Jester chirped. “He said that the queen still thinks we’re really cool!”

_ She’s trying _, Fjord thought. She really was trying to make this not seem so bad. But not even Jester, whose spirit kept him sane through the worst of their captivity, could make this situation feel any less shitty.

Caleb stood carefully and placed a hand on Beau’s shoulder, though Fjord couldn’t quite tell if it was to reassure her or himself.

“I say we go back.”

Fjord practically launched himself back up into a sitting position and cocked his head at Caleb, confusion drawing his brows together. Beside him, Caduceus frowned and folded his arms onto his knees.

“Now, why,” Fjord began, “would we go and do that?”

Caleb stood a bit taller. “I can think of quite a few reasons, actually. The first of which is that I believe this tenuous alliance we have with the queen is worth salvaging if possible.

“Yeah, that sounds likely,” Fjord scoffed lightly and ran his tongue over the nubs of his tusks starting to grow back out. 

“This is bigger than us. This is... It is more than we bargained for. And we need to own that.”

Fjord could read people easily enough; body language said a lot. He wasn’t Caduceus or Jester, but he was capable. Caleb, however, had a way of masking it all that Fjord found frustrating. He was well aware of the hypocrisy of that, but he couldn’t help it. He’d found he enjoyed the man’s company, the quiet warmth of it. It felt like a privilege to see the real Caleb, even though it happened more often lately. When the mask was on, though, when he straightened his back and spoke clear and cool, Fjord could feel the wizard’s reserved voice snake up his spine, like icy tendrils in the water. And Fjord was really starting to hate the cold. 

_ This is Bren. _

The only indication of the real Caleb was the steadying hand on Beau. Detached Caleb wouldn’t need that. The realization made the tension in Fjord’s shoulders ease slightly, but only slightly now that he knew more about the man than half of their group. Now that he knew what he did. Fjord could vividly remember the look on the other man’s face last night as he shared his tumultuous past.

“And,” Caleb’s hard lines softened a bit more and he looked over to Nott, who seemed to already be drunk, “your husband is still in the capital, _ ja? _”

The goblin girl’s face tightened and she coughed lightly. 

“Yes,” she replied, her voice cracking.

“Oh,” Fjord rumbled.

It was clear she’d been thinking about it, worrying it over in her mind all night. It was probably one of the many reasons why she hadn’t stopped drinking since Yasha... left. Obviously, it was something Caleb thought of, and there was that warmth again. He glanced around and realized it was something that everyone had probably thought about at some point. Except him, of course. This time, he knew exactly what the sinking feeling in his stomach was and he tried to swallow it down. He was being selfish and it was only making everything more difficult. He cleared his throat.

“Okay, so we go back. Then what? Do we- Do we get Yeza out first? Take him to the coast, to your mom?” He waved a hand down and looked at Jester. 

“Oh, that is a good idea, actually.” She reached out and took Nott’s hand. “Shakäste and Luc should be there really soon, right?”

“Yeah, I-I think so?” she said, tilting it up at the end like a question. “Could you check on my boy, Jessie?”

“Um, sure Nott, but it will be my last one today. And we still have to travel, so. Just make sure no one dies today, okay?” 

“Oh no, it’s- it’s fine–-”

“Why don’t you hold off ‘til we make camp tonight, Jes,” Fjord interjected, seeing flashes of his companions falling around him. The image of russet-brown hair streaked with blood and bright blue eyes going dim sticking out in his mind. The wizard was squishy, it made sense to worry. “That way, if you need the spell for somethin’ else, you’ll be okay.”

Jester looked up at Fjord, eyes round and wet with more tears, and then to Nott, who just nodded. 

“Actually,” Caleb interjected hesitantly, and the others looked at him mildly confused. 

“I can get us there instantly.”

Jester and Nott snapped their heads up toward the wizard simultaneously. Fjord remembered Caleb studying the intricate circular runes at Rosohna and the tower in Nicodranas.

“Oh, that uh. Teleportation thing, right?” he asked.

“_Ja_, yes,” he nodded. “But, ah. I can’t do it until tomorrow. I didn’t prepare it.” 

“We’d still make much better time.”

“You know the circle at the Tidespeak, too, right Cay-leb?” Jester asked, looking more hopeful than before.

“Is that the tower with that creepy wizard and the gobby?” Nott poked Jester’s arm lightly and they began discussing the arrangements for travel to Rosohna tomorrow and then to Nicodranas with Yeza the next day. So long as they didn’t get arrested in between. 

Jester’s spirits looked lifted at the idea of seeing her mom, and Nott, while still nervous, was happy to be getting her husband out of the capital and to be reuniting with her son. It was good to see them a little closer to acting like themselves. 

Fjord knew how much it had hurt the girls to leave Yasha behind. Jester cared so deeply and he knew her remorse ran just as deep. And Nott was already having a difficult time dealing with everything. She’d been distraught leaving her son behind and he’d seen the way she dove back into drinking when they left Yeza in Rosohna. He could only imagine how she felt leaving Yasha, too.

Hell, it hurt them all to leave her. He could admit that to himself. Last night had been… rough, to say the least.

* * *

They had returned to Bazzoxan drained; physically, mentally, and magically. Their communal bedroom for the night was likely secure, but they were all on edge enough to agree to a watch. Jester volunteered for the first shift, saying she’d be up for a while anyway. Nott stayed up with her, both of them sniffling. Fjord was sure they’d be crying most of the night.

“I’ll take the next.” He was fine to take the watch alone, try to work through what was going on in his head.

Caleb shifted behind him. “I will join you if that’s alright, Fjord.” 

Fjord was about to protest, knowing that the wizard could use the extra rest, but when he turned around to reply, Fjord found him standing much closer than he’d anticipated and he hesitated. He caught the reflection of the group’s lone lantern in Caleb’s eyes, ringing the icy blue with a soft orange glow. And there was something in those eyes that made Fjord nod in agreement. Caleb looked down then, and Fjord let out a small breath he didn’t know he was holding.

With the watch order figured out, they tried to turn in for the night. Fjord laid awake for a long time, listening to Jester sobbing softly and Nott mumbling occasional words of comfort. Based on the frequent creaking of the cot next to his, Caleb was likely just as restless as he was. The absence of any familiar snoring also meant Beau and Caduceus were still up. Which was all pretty much expected. He settled down for a mostly sleepless night.

Eventually, though, he must have passed out, as suddenly he was waking up to the gentle nudging of Jester at his side letting him know it was his turn to take watch. Fjord sat up slowly, dragging a hand through his still dirty hair, fingers catching momentarily in a patch of what could only be dried blood. He looked past where Beau seemed to have finally fallen asleep on the floor between their two cots to see Nott and Jester piling onto the one that Caleb must have just vacated. He turned to find the wizard sitting in a pile of worn-thin blankets that couldn’t have been much protection against the hard floor, with Frumpkin purring softly in his lap.

“There’s plenty of room up here, if ya’ want,” he offered, never mind the fact that the cot was barely big enough for him. He cleared the sleep from his throat quietly and kept his voice low, trying not to disturb any of the other people in the room.

“Oh, uh. _ Ja _, okay.”

Caleb set Frumpkin down in the pile of blankets, which he kneaded with his paws and then snuggled into with an exaggerated yawn. The wizard got up cautiously and Fjord realized that Caleb’s eyes were likely still adjusting to the dark of the room. He reached a hand out to him to guide him over and felt the light touch of Caleb’s fingers trace briefly across his arm before the wizard realized it was Fjord offering support. It was difficult to make out in the grayscale of his darkvision, but Fjord saw a slight blush creep up his neck. Quickly, Caleb took his hand and made his way to the cot without stepping on anyone. Fjord tried not to notice how fragile the human’s hand seemed in his before letting go just as quickly.

He shifted up, pulling his knees in a bit and resting his arms on either side. Caleb situated himself near the foot of the bed. He was close enough that Fjord could smell the faint smoky residue on his skin, but not close enough to be touching. 

“Thank you, Fjord,” Caleb whispered, not quite looking at him.

“Always.”

_ Can I count on you to return the favor? _

Fjord shivered at the memory evoked by such a simple word and found himself running the thumb of his other hand over the raised skin on his right palm. Caleb didn’t appear to notice and Fjord sent a silent prayer of thanks to whoever decided humans didn’t need to see in the dark. His embarrassment left him in a sigh and he relaxed back into the thin pillow, leaning on the wall at the head of the bed.

Caleb seemed to be content to sit in silence and that suited Fjord just fine. Quiet watches with Caleb never felt awkward. And tonight, after everything that happened, his quiet companionship was definitely welcome. 

They sat like that for a while, Caleb shifting a few times until he settled in facing the other man, legs mirroring and just barely brushing against the half-orc’s. Fjord looked up at the soft touch to find Caleb staring vaguely into the room. He glanced over to find an empty spot in the blankets where Frumpkin was just moments before. Looking around the room, Fjord couldn’t spot the cat and assumed Caleb must be doing a quick check of the perimeter.

“Caleb?”

After a pregnant pause and no indication that the man had heard him, Fjord determined that he must have been right about the Frumpkin check. He shifted his leg to get comfortable and he leaned a little further against Caleb’s. 

Looking at Caleb like this always felt like intruding on something very intimate. Maybe it was the way his face softened. How the almost constant crease at his brow eased away and his lips parted just slightly. It revealed something raw beneath the scruff and the dirt and the worry. Something that made him look less like the confident wizard who took risks and knew all the answers, and more like a young man set adrift, trying his best, but unable to find his way even years down the road. Fjord admired the bold and decisive side of Caleb, but felt so in tune with this openly lost side of him that he let himself imagine how close they could be if either one of them was able to open up to the other. They’re friends, maybe, but true honesty would make them… what? _ Close _friends? Brothers? Something about the latter option made him wrinkle his nose. That label definitely didn’t fit right. Closing his eyes, he forced himself to think of something else and he instantly regretted it.

The only other thing he could possibly think of was the absolute clusterfuck that the day had turned into.

He didn’t know exactly what they’d planned to get out of the meeting with Obann, but they’d definitely not planned to lose anything. Or anyone. The whole thing stunk of a failure of the worst kind. The kind with consequences. 

And boy, did this have consequences.

With his eyes closed, true darkness could finally take him and in that darkness he heard laughter. High and low, loud and soft, worming its way into his mind. He snapped his eyes open again with a jerk, knocking his knee into Caleb’s. 

“Fjord?” 

The human’s voice was little more than a whisper that barely made it the short distance across the bed to the man in question.

“S’nothin’, sorry. Just a twitch,” Fjord murmured, not looking up at him and feeling like his emotions were finally catching up. Like any second he was going to need to scream, cry, or a combination of the two.

“Ah.”

The warlock looked back at Caleb and saw his gaze was vaguely focused somewhere over Fjord’s shoulder. A small wrinkle had formed between his brows; softer, though, than usual and Fjord assumed he’d gone back into Frumpkin-vision. He realized then that the inside of his leg was still flush against the outside of Caleb’s. Fjord shifted his knee to give him space, but as he pulled away, the other man’s knee leaned gently back against his.

He glanced warily at the wizard, but his expression hadn’t changed. It must’ve been an involuntary thing. That was fine. Fjord was pretty used to close quarters by this point, what with his time on the sea and his experience sleeping under the bubble with the Nein. Jester was a cuddler, Beau’s legs always ended up draped over someone, and Caduceus liked to pull people in like stuffed toys. Nott even found her way curled into the crook of Fjord’s knees some nights when Caleb was on watch, though he wouldn’t dare bring it up around her.

The point was, Fjord didn’t take much stock in personal space with this group and it wasn’t long before his thoughts drifted off. The warmth of Caleb sitting near him was comforting and it kept the cold, haunting laughter at bay. It couldn’t, however, keep his thoughts completely free. He thought about Yasha again and anger and betrayal roiled just beneath the skin.

“She was always going to hurt us, wasn’t she? How long has she just been biding her time?” 

He spoke softly, taking comfort in Vandren’s smooth drawl.The only person who could have heard was _ occupied _, but he was relieved just to say it aloud. So he kept going.

“I don’t… trust easy. Anymore. Since, y’know. So I should’ve known. I thought I was being cautious enough, but I let y’all in too close. Somehow, you got close.

I thought I’d be able to step back, be in control. Not be fuckin’ blinded by emotions again. But I failed. I fucked up. I should’ve been able to protect you. All of you. But I couldn’t and I almost-” he was cut off by a sound escaping his throat that definitely wasn’t a choked-back sob. 

“She would have killed me,” he finished shakily, realizing only after the words left him that he’d used his true voice. He rubbed the heels of his palms hard into his eyes, leaning his elbows onto his knees. He was tired and hurt and once again he wanted to scream.

The soft brush of fingers on his arm almost made him actually do it, and he nearly jumped out of the bed.

“Fjord…” Caleb was now looking directly at him, his voice low and cautious. His face was hard with worry, but his eyes were soft.

Fjord’s eyes widened and he shifted back against the wall, just out of Caleb’s reach. He almost regretted it when he could no longer feel the warmth from the other man’s body, but told himself he would be fine.

“Goddammit, Caleb,” he tried to joke. “Ya’ gotta stop spookin’ me like that.”

Caleb’s hand was still outstretched toward where Fjord used to be. He hummed and pulled his legs in to sit cross-legged, dropping his hands into his lap.

When Fjord made no move to speak up, he cleared his throat and swallowed audibly.

“I thought we knew her, too,” he said. 

There was a long pause where it seemed like Fjord wasn’t going to respond, but then he took a deep breath.

“That… That isn’t the point I was makin’. It’s just that I was supposed to be the one to… to-”

“Right the ship?” Caleb suggested gently and let out a small sigh of laughter. “I thought that was my job.”

Fjord breathed a laugh in response, but didn’t offer anything else. They sat there in silence like that for a while and Fjord regretted ever speaking at all. Why hadn’t he made sure Caleb was back in Frumpkin before he opened his big mouth?

“We are friends, Fjord. We are all friends. That means we defend each other. It isn’t just on you.”

The half-orc snorted.

“Friends? I thought so, yeah. But I still haven’t…” he sighed, not finishing the thought. “And we still don’t know much about anyone else’s past.” Looking away from the other man, he conceded, “Well. ‘Sides yours.”

An expression that almost looked like pain crossed Caleb’s face. 

“Ah, yes,” he started, and swallowed hard. “But… You know only what I’ve told you. There is, um. There is more to the story, things that Nott and Beau know already. Things that, uh,” he glanced upwards. “That you may find hard to forgive.”

Fjord narrowed his eyes and there was a small pinch in his chest upon hearing that he’d been out of the loop. It made keeping the group safe harder if he didn’t know things, of course. But he didn’t question the wizard, or push him. He waited for Caleb to offer it up himself. The human took a deep breath and looked off into the distance once more.

“I am going to tell you the story of how I murdered my mother and father.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alrighty, folks, buckle up, i have no idea what i'm doing. i was tired of seeing this in my wips and i just want it done so we're just gonna bang out the rest of it over quarantine. my fingers are crossed that it's at least kind of good.

He hadn’t slept well. That was obvious. Nobody had. The loss of Yasha was difficult to process as well as the fear of what they allowed to be released and the consequences of their actions. But Caleb’s thoughts were also haunted by a confession he hadn’t planned on making yet. He let his eyes drift to Fjord, looking past the girls, and a bit of the anxiety left him. 

The half-orc was smiling fondly at their colorful friends on the floor, now chattering animatedly about their imminent departure, Luc’s well-being, and Shakäste’s relationship preferences. The warmth didn’t leave his eyes when they caught on Caleb’s. The wizard had been nearly convinced that the other man would act differently around him now. And so far, he had been only partially correct. There was some change, but none of the coldness he had anticipated. 

Fjord had listened as Caleb shared his deepest regret and darkest moment. He’d simply listened. And he didn’t say anything for a long time after Caleb finished. Caleb had started to worry that his fears about the other man’s reaction were coming to pass. He’d started to sink in on himself and stared down at his hands in his lap, free of bandages, his scars on display.

It made no sense to tell him now, with everything that was going on. Why had he done that? It could have made the group even more of a mess. It was a risk. But not even a second after the thought crossed his mind he knew the answer. Fjord had needed to hear it. He needed honesty now more than ever. So Caleb had given it to him. And now… Now Fjord was going to look at him differently. He could already feel the tension in this silence where before it had been companionable. He had begun slowly building the wall back up between them when he felt Fjord’s boot poke at his knee. Looking up slowly, he tried to find the half-orc’s eyes in the darkness, both afraid and hopeful of what he might see there. The other man’s face had looked tight, but his expression was hard to read. When he spoke, it was slow and soft.

“You can’t blame yourself when you’re taken advantage of.”

Caleb blinked.

“That’s a, um, callback.” Fjord cleared his throat. 

“ _ Ja _ , I… I remember.” Caleb whispered. There was a beat of silence before he’d continued. “But that doesn’t mean that what I’ve done won’t stay with me forever.”

Fjord nodded and the rest of the watch passed in silence. It was an understanding sort of quiet. They had both laid bare feelings that didn’t need reasoned with, just heard. Caleb felt his chest lighten wondering how this had been easier than telling Beau and Nott, when he’d feared it exponentially more. 

Still, he felt nervous all over again this morning and he found himself questioning his own paranoia, not for the first time. But Fjord was not much different from any other morning.

He had also expected a bit more resistance from the half-orc about going back to Rosohna, but it seemed the warlock was in the mood to defy expectations. As soon as Nott’s family came into play, Fjord softened and his whole stance shifted. He was obviously still nervous, but he stopped arguing, his care for the goblin girl overriding his fear. Caleb felt a tug in his chest at that.

“So what’s the plan for today, then?” Beau said suddenly. “Do we tell the people here about the Hand of– Laugh– Laughing Hand guy?” she stumbled through with a soft correction from Jester. Beau had an intelligent mind, more so than she liked to let on, but names were not her strong suit. Regardless of that, she pushed the conversation forward.

After a lengthy discussion on the morality of their decision, and an even lengthier feeling day of shenanigans that amounted to little, it was time to turn in for the night. 

There was no one else staying in the pseudo-hostel for the evening, so their group was able to spread out to more of the small beds. Beau stayed up late, reading and rereading her notes, and after a sleepless half an hour or so, Caleb joined her. 

“Hey, man,” she said without looking up.

Wordlessly, he sat down on the floor and leaned back against the side of her bed. With a poof, Frumpkin appeared in his lap. Another snap, and four pale blobs of light bounced around Beau. He felt the blunt end of a pencil stab at the back of his head.

“What’s been up with you today?”

“Oh. You know. Same as everyone else.”

He could practically hear her eyebrow raise.

“Really? Guess I never realized how much everyone else stares at Fjord. Must be somethin’ about his rugged good looks and complicated backstory.”

He was definitely right about the eyebrow raise. He tilted his head back onto the mattress to glare in her general direction.

“What did he do, swallow another sword?” she crossed her arms, amused. “Or do you just wish he had?” 

He swatted at her arm, which almost assuredly hurt him more than it hurt her.

“I told him about my parents,” he said, returning his gaze to his cat.

“Ah, shit, man. You need to hit me sooner next time, I feel like an asshole now,” she said in a rush, accidentally knocking a few pages of notes off the bed. “He didn’t seem any different today. He take it well then?”

Caleb helped her collect the papers with a small smile on his face.

“No, I like watching you flounder about too much. But uh, I… believe so. He um. Told me not to blame myself.”

“Yeah. Well. He’s right. You know that. But I’m sure it felt good to hear him say it anyway. I know you were scared to talk to him about it.”

“I am only slightly nervous to reveal it now. I know we are all... friends.” He narrowed his eyes at her phrasing. “You think I was scared to talk to him?”

“Well, yeah, I mean. Talking about it just in general or whatever.”

He relaxed a bit and then felt her shift around behind him as she continued.

“Is that really the only reason you were looking at him so much today?”

“What do you mean?”

“Just, like. Nothing else happened last night? 

Caleb paused in petting Frumpkin.

“Like, earlier you seemed pretty concerned about Uk’otoa–” 

A soft voice echoed back the sea god’s name but when they looked to the source they found Jester fast asleep once more. Caleb smiled, knowing Beau was doing the same before she continued.

“How does she even– Whatever. You were concerned about you-know-who and Fjord. Nothing happened last night with like. Wet dreams, right?”

Oh right. That was what she was talking about. Obviously.

“Oh, ah. No. Nothing like that. Just my own insecurities, I suppose.” He scratched at the stubble on his chin and stared off into the dark expanse of the room around them, deliberately keeping his eyes away from where he knew the half-orc was sleeping.

“We’re all here for you, you know that right? Including Fjord. He cares about you too.”

Caleb nodded.

“And there’s his rugged good looks!”

“Um, yes, he is a... handsome man, I suppose. Goodnight, Beauregard,” he said quickly and headed back to bed carefully, letting his dancing lights linger until he laid down. 

Behind him he heard Beau snickering and mumbling something like “works every time” as she put her goggles back on. 

And what about it? It was clear that Fjord was attractive. Most everyone they’ve met might agree with that. Some would agree enthusiastically. Chiseled jaw, a bit of a salt-battered look and the scars that only added to the appeal. He was charming. That had nothing to do with his magic, either. So yeah, there was his rugged good looks, but what did that matter?

It was then that Caleb’s exhaustion began to catch up with him and he fell asleep thinking of warm, golden eyes and the feeling of short salt-and-pepper hair under his fingers.

* * *

_ I’ve heard things about you, Bren. Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back welcome back welcome…  _

The woman’s voice echoed in Caleb’s mind on repeat. The way she said his name, the way his native tongue dripped from her lips, shaped her words, slithered through his brain. The first time he’d heard it in 5 years. The strong urge to vomit had nothing to do with the disorienting nausea of the Shadowshire dungeons. He was having a hard time catching his breath, his vision pulsed at the edges in time with his rapid heartbeat.

The wizard was vaguely aware of the rest of his group thanking the guards and chasing after him down the hall as he pulled Frumpkin back to sit around his shoulders. His breathing began to calm as they approached the surface, and the nausea abated.

“Caleb.”

Fjord’s voice came from closer than he expected, the man somehow now keeping pace with him. 

“You never really answered me. Are you alright?”

Caleb swallowed the lump forming in his throat. “Not really, Fjord.”

No. He was not okay. He somehow simultaneously felt like running away as fast and hard as his legs would take him and sitting down right here and never getting back up. Goosebumps pimpled their way up across the skin of his arms, the ghostly pain from his scars chilling him to the bone.

Then there was a warmth between his shoulder blades, Fjord’s hand a comfortable pressure that made Caleb sigh audibly, his shoulders relaxing slowly.

“Well. We’ll make it work, yeah?” 

And the hand was gone, Fjord turning to discuss travel plans with the rest of the party.

Caleb clarified that teleportation would not be possible again until tomorrow, and he tried to remain present for the conversation, he really did. But being here was difficult. He needed space to breathe, he still felt like he wasn’t breathing. He rubbed and scratched at his exposed forearms absently as the group talked and he listened. 

“I also want to find Thelyss before we leave,” Caleb said softly. He looked out at the group.

“You have time,” Jester said with a light touch of her hand on his and a soft smile in his direction. 

“I’m sorry. I need to clear my head,” he took a step away from the group and caught an odd look in Fjord’s eye. Something like worry. Or maybe it was suspicion. Caleb couldn’t tell and he wasn’t about to let his glance linger. “See you back at the Xhorhaus.”

* * *

“Well, I think I’m turning in for the night,” Caduceus said much later that night at the dining table in their Xhorhasian home. “Make sure you two get some sleep,” he finished with a gentle smile as he stood.

The firbolg pushed his chair in as quietly as he could— which was not very quiet at all— and made his way up to his chambers in the tower, pausing at a window to call out a quick “Goodnight, Beau.”

Fjord stared down into the mug of spiked tea he was still nursing. Nott and Yeza had retired much earlier, though he couldn’t quite pinpoint how much earlier. His drink had gone cold, so it must have been a while. He glanced up at Caleb sitting across from him and found there was still steam curling out of his cup. The corner of Fjord’s mouth turned up at that. He still felt a warm thrum of appreciation for the casual ease with which Caleb used his magic.

The man looked up at him, ice blue eyes freezing on Fjord’s for the barest of seconds before he settled them somewhere vaguely around the half-orc’s left shoulder. The brief eye contact turned the thrum of warmth into a flash of fire in the pit of Fjord’s stomach that licked up hot into his chest. He cleared his throat hastily.

“Should probably clean up, too,” he said, leaning forward onto the table and grabbing his mug. 

“Uh,  _ ja _ . Probably. But… let’s finish the tea, yeah?” 

“Oh, well…” The half-hearted protest to cold tea died on his lips as Caleb reached out a hand to rest on the mug and Fjord felt the cup in his hands grow warm again. The wizard’s fingers brushed lightly over his own as he pulled his hand away. 

He breathed out a laugh. “Yeah, alright.”

Caleb smiled softly, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes.

When Caleb had returned earlier, he’d still looked quite frazzled. Not as bad as before, though. Fjord didn’t ask about Essek. He still wasn’t as on board with the Shadowhand as everyone else seemed to be. He wanted something from them, that was obvious, and Fjord sometimes felt he was the only one worried about that. Or the only one worried about how close he was getting to Caleb. It could prove dangerous. Regardless, he didn’t need to hear what the two of them had... discussed. It was enough that Caleb had come back to them. 

“Thank you, Fjord.”

Fjord started and the tension that had been forming at his brow disappeared. The wizard’s gaze had returned to the table and he still hadn’t taken another drink. 

“For what, exactly?”

“Oh… everything,” he said with a sigh. “Watching over the group. Staying for a drink.”

Caleb swirled his cup in one hand and flexed the other, running his thumb over the scar tissue Fjord knew was there on his palm. The half-orc bit his lip lightly, trying not to overthink the gesture. He let out a slow breath and leaned over towards the other man, raising his mug.

“Right. To watching each other’s backs, then.”

Caleb carefully arched one eyebrow and then followed Fjord’s cue. The clink of mismatched porcelain sounded startlingly loud in the empty kitchen. Caleb tilted his head back and downed the last of his tea, pale throat bobbing as he swallowed. Heat flared up the back of Fjord’s neck as he realized he was staring and he quickly did the same. When he set his cup down, he looked over to find a shaky smile on Caleb’s face, soft crinkles formed at the corners of his eyes.

Fjord cleared his throat and licked his suddenly dry lips. “So. I’m gonna–”

“ _ Ja _ , time to, ah, turn in.”

“– hit the hay, yup,” Fjord finished with a pop.

The warlock stood and began gathering the dishes onto the tea tray, still stacked with Yeza’s… tea cakes, maybe? He took everything back to the sink and resolved to leave them until tomorrow. He tried not to think about the light flush to the other man’s freckled cheeks and ways he might be able to see it again. He passed back by the kitchen table to find Caleb had shrugged off his coat and rolled the sleeves of his shirt up past the elbow. He’d gotten out both of his books and moved the lamp closer to his place. Fjord paused at the doorway, a small frown forming.

“You should get some sleep, Caleb.”

The wizard looked up. The book set out in front of him wasn’t his spellbook, Fjord could tell. The inks he had out weren’t right and the pages weren’t as well looked after.

“When you can, I mean,” he nearly whispered and walked out. He’d made it a few feet before Caleb replied.

“Goodnight, Fjord,” came the soft call after him. Fjord bit his lip again and stopped.

“Goodnight, Caleb.” He stood in the dark hall of the Xhorhaus until he heard the gentle scratch of pen on paper. 

He closed his eyes for a moment, then climbed the stairs to the tower. He couldn’t find it in himself to lay in his own bed, afraid of the cold that might envelop him in the night. 

Carefully, he made his way through what Caduceus had made into his room, the roots of the tree pushed down through the ceiling, forming into a bed of sorts. Other plants grew out of the walls and in various pots around the room. Whatever table space there had been up here was taken up with gardening tools and even more plants. The continuous snores as Fjord passed through the room and up the ladder to the rooftop garden reassured him that the firbolg slept soundly. At least, he hoped so.

Stepping out onto the roof into the crisp night air had Fjord breathing a bit too fast, but the warmth from the jars of daylight all around settled into his skin soon enough. He leaned over the balcony for a time, watching the city below. People here didn’t tend to keep to day or night hours, as there wasn’t much of a difference, but the streets did tend to empty around this time anyway. He saw the occasional drow pop in and out of houses along their street, and further into the center of the capital he could just see the beginnings of a tryst in a partially hidden alleyway near a pub, a few casual conversations outside of some of the more nocturnal businesses, and even a child or two hurrying through the city. He ran a hand down his face and let out a heavy sigh.

He stepped back to the large trunk of the tree and ran his fingers over the bark, catching on knots, avoiding the Sprinkle sized hole a bit further up, until he came to the small shrine Caduceus had mentioned earlier. It really did resemble a bird bath. He stopped in front of it and knelt down. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do here. Put his hands in? His face? Neither option sounded appealing at the moment, so instead he turned around and sat back against the tree. He closed his eyes and tried to meditate like he had in Bazzoxan.

He felt the soft, cool brush of a breeze through his hair, bringing with it the comforting earthy scent of the garden. Warm golden light shone through his eyelids, but it was comforting to not be in the dark. He sat there for a while. He didn’t feel whatever it was he’d felt the other day, but he still felt some of the tension leave his shoulders and some of his worries ease. 

His thoughts drifted around and at first he tried to fight them, but he remembered something Caduceus had said before about meditation. Don’t force your mind to empty, just let all your thoughts wander out on their own. So he let them come and go.

Thoughts of the Wildmother were at the forefront. Memories of and desire for her embrace bubbling up and then washing over him like a wave. Yasha passed into and out of his mind just as she so often did in their lives. It ached, but it felt good to let it go. Images of teary eyes flashed past after that. Wide yellow eyes with slit pupils, deep blue ones sparking almost angrily, kind purple eyes that have seen too much pain, calm lavender eyes slowly spilling tears, and then steel blue ones that pierced right into his soul. 

That image lingered and transformed, wind whipping auburn hair and ash into the face of a much younger version of Caleb. The tears in his eyes finally fell and streaked through the soot staining his cheeks. Another breeze whirled around and then flames and ash were replaced by blood and water. Sadness was replaced by determination. A promise. He let himself linger on thoughts he’d never let himself have before; the feeling of Caleb’s gently calloused hand in his, the sheer amount of trust he placed in those warm, scarred hands.

Fjord’s thoughts went on like this, shifting and changing until he felt minutes away from falling asleep. He was very nearly there when he was startled by the gentle creak of the roof hatch. His eyes snapped over to find a certain wizard poking his head up the ladder.

“Sorry if I’m bothering you. I saw you come up this way and. Well, I…” Caleb started to explain, looking nervous.

Fjord shook his head. “I’m startin’ to think you just enjoy scarin’ the shit outta me, Widogast,” he replied with a small smile. He crossed his arms and leaned back into the tree.

Caleb’s lips pulled back in a small smile and he pulled himself fully up onto the roof. His hair was pulled back in a strip of leather he had been keeping tied around his wrist lately. Fjord also noted that he was still coatless, and didn’t have his books. Instead, he carried a soft-looking purple blanket in one hand and had Frumpkin draped around his shoulders. At the half-orc’s noticeable apprehension around the cat, Caleb let Frumpkin jump down and head back in with Caduceus.

“I am starting to think I’m far too good at it to give it up.” He gestured to the space next to Fjord. “Do you mind if I join you?”

“Go right ahead.” Fjord shifted over enough to make room.

Caleb sat down next to him, just far enough away that their shoulders didn’t touch. He laid his blanket across his legs and pulled it up to his waist. Fjord could just feel the brush of the fabric and it was every bit as soft as it looked. Another breeze rolled past, and it sent a shiver through him. The light was warm but the night was cold, he was starting to realize, and began berating himself for not having thought to bring a blanket as well.

“Fjord,” Caleb said softly and lifted the edge of the blanket, offering it to the other man. “There’s plenty of room,” he smirked.

Fjord hesitated long enough for another chill to climb its way up his spine. He scooted over until their legs were resting flush against each other, accepting the warmth of the blanket.

He sat back against the tree once more, not quite as relaxed as he’d felt before, but comfortable enough. The blanket helped, but the warmth of the other man nearby might’ve had more to do with it. Beside him, Caleb took a breath and Fjord thought he meant to say something, but after a small pause, he just let it back out in a soft sigh. They were both looking out at the garden, not at each other, but Fjord knew that crease was back between Caleb’s brows. 

“Thank you,” the half-orc said. “For the blanket, and… and the company.”

Caleb shifted a bit, moving to sit cross-legged, and his knee now rested nearly on top of Fjord’s. The sudden heat rising up Fjord’s neck definitely had nothing to do with the blanket.

“Oh, it’s nothing. It was this or the front porch with Beauregard.” Caleb shrugged and Fjord was tempted to remind the man that he had a room, but kept his mouth shut. Fjord also had a room he wasn’t in.

“What’s up with that, anyway?” he asked with a crooked smile.

“I’m sure we’ll find out tomorrow,” Caleb hummed. “For now, I think she will be alright.”

Fjord chuckled, tipping his chin down to his chest. Looking back up, his attention was drawn to Caleb. The light from the tree flashed off his hair and for a moment it was like the glow of a halo framed his face, bouncing off his cheekbones, outlining the sharpness of his jaw, the softness of his lips. Lips that had started to move and make words, apparently.

“I’m sorry, what?” Fjord said eyes darting away from the wizard's mouth, color rising to his cheeks. Caleb was looking at him now. 

“I asked if you were having trouble sleeping.”

“Oh,” Fjord said a bit sheepishly. “A bit, though I could ask the same of you.”

“ _ Ja _ , you could. I always do, though.”

Caleb began absently rubbing at his forearms. Fjord pressed their shoulders together briefly.

“Seems we’re in the same boat as of late, then,” he admitted.

Caleb cast his eyes back in Fjord’s direction.

“Speaking of not sleeping well, do you think you will be okay to go to Nicodranas?” he questioned.

Fjord sighed and rubbed a hand over the back of his neck, nails gently scraping across the skin. He can’t exactly say he wasn’t expecting this conversation from someone. The fact that it was Caleb starting this conversation also wasn’t unexpected.

“Should be fine,” he sniffed. “Ought to check in with Orly, anyway. Plenty of people to see, things to do.”

“This is true,” Caleb replied. “Though a day on the beach might do us all some good.” He shrugged, pulling the blanket up to cover his arms.

“You could definitely use a tan,” Fjord poked at the other man’s cheek, the only skin that was still visible. The half-orc saw Caleb’s eyes widen just a touch at the contact before he huffed out a small laugh.

“Yes, I will get a nice lobster tan,” he said softly, a slow and sleepy smile forming on his lips.

Fjord’s hand hovered near Caleb’s face as another breeze carded through the human’s hair, pulling loose a few strands that fell gently across his eyes. On instinct, Fjord leaned forward and tucked the hair back in place. He looked back down into Caleb’s face and saw a light dusting of pink across the man’s cheeks, his mouth just barely open.

_ Oh, shit,  _ he thought as he realized what he’d done and how long he was lingering in Caleb's space. He pulled back and tried to bring the situation back to casual as quickly as possible, but not before another thought threatened to keep him right where he was.

_ So that’s one way to see it again. _

He looked away hurriedly, not really wanting to see the look that might be in Caleb’s eyes. Whether it was disappointment, disgust, or something else entirely, he wasn’t sure he could handle it tonight. He cleared his throat.

“Alright, quit hogging the blanket,” he babbled out, and pulled his edge of the blanket all the way around his neck. He closed his eyes, but could hear Caleb click his tongue softly.

“You mean my blanket?” Caleb pointed out.

“Shh, it’s bedtime.” 

Fjord could practically feel the way Caleb looked at him then before giving in and settling back against the tree.

“You know,” Caleb whispered. “We do have furniture up here.”

“I can’t hear you, I’m asleep.”

He could feel a small rumble of a laugh beside him as Caleb slowly leaned further against his shoulder. Fjord let a smile lift the corners of his mouth as he drifted slowly into a night of warm, uninterrupted sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey what up i made another playlist: shorturl.at/zAFHL  
there is so much hozier on it, a fact for which i refuse to apologize
> 
> i know, i know. another chapter? already? i know. i thought waiting 6 months for the second one was enough waiting.
> 
> also, what's the point in the keen mind feat if you aren't going to use it to memorize how all of your friends take their coffee??

“Caduceus, please tell me there is coffee,” Caleb murmured even as the smell of a freshly brewed pot made its way to him in a warm wave. 

He stretched his arms forward and heard his shoulder pop softly as he padded his way into the kitchen, knowing Fjord was close behind. Next time he should really put up more of an argument about the furniture.

_ Next time?,  _ he thought, wondering how a thought like that could have made its way to the front of his mind.

“Figured you boys might need it,” Caduceus said, gesturing vaguely at the counter with a wooden spoon. “You’re eating, right? I’m making something. I’m making a sort of a scramble if you want.”

Caleb nodded as he made his way to where there were seven cups and spoons laid out on a tray on the counter, two of which were definitely the ones that neither he nor Fjord had managed to clean the night before. He sent Caduceus a quick apologetic look. 

“Thanks, Duce,” Fjord said from just over his shoulder.

Carefully choosing one of the larger mugs, Caleb set about readying his coffee. He preferred it black, with plenty of sugar, but he pulled the cream out anyway and set it next to him along with one of the more average sized cups. He felt a warmth at his back as Fjord reached around him to grab the coffee, his breath ghosting down Caleb’s still exposed neck. He hadn’t made it back to his room yet this morning for his coat.

“‘Scuse me,” the half-orc said in a low breath. He pulled himself out of Caleb’s space and set to work on his own cup that the wizard had set aside for him. As expected, an obscene amount of cream, two sugars, and– 

“Caleb, would ya grab me the... ah,” Fjord began, before he noticed him already holding out the nutmeg he was about to ask for.

Caleb allowed himself a small smile at the look of confusion that crossed Fjord’s face as he turned around and headed to the table. He caught Caduceus’s gaze as he pulled out a chair. There was a look in his eyes that felt far too discerning for Caleb’s comfort, though, and his smile faltered. 

No doubt Caduceus could see the ease of tension in Caleb’s shoulders, the sheer good a full night’s sleep had done him. How spending time with Fjord could affect him so drastically.

He swallowed his first gulp of coffee, forcing down a lump in his throat at the same time. He had allowed himself too much… simply too much last night. Support, companionship, intimacy. All things he knew he no longer deserved, and yet he took anyway. 

His stomach pitched. Doubt thrashed its way up through his ribcage and back into his throat, the lump refusing to be fought back. His feelings for the half-orc were feelings he liked to keep in check. They didn’t mean anything more than a simple infatuation, and he had felt similar things for other members of their little group, feelings that evened out over time.

That had not been the case with Fjord.

Caleb sat back in his chair and pulled one leg up underneath the other. Fjord had finished preparing his coffee and now leaned casually against the kitchen counter, engaged in easy conversation with Caduceus. His hair was disheveled by sleep, his loose tunic was rolled at the sleeves and wrinkled beyond belief, pants slung low on his hips, belt discarded, and Caleb thought he looked beautiful.

_ Scheiße. _

Fjord looked over then, and flashed him a brief, crooked smile. Simple as that, the overwhelming sense of **_undeserving, unworthy, manipulating_** was washed away. Fjord had agency, too. He could make his own decisions. He knew who Caleb was, who Caleb had been, and he had chosen to give him time and company anyway. Who was Caleb to tell Fjord what was good for him?

A voice deep in the back of his mind told him that a better man would keep his distance, but sitting in the kitchen with the warmth of the hearth bringing a flush to his cheeks and the glow of it reflecting in Fjord’s eyes, he knew he was weak. And that he never claimed to be a good man.

“Caduceus, what are you making this morning?” Beau’s voice bounced into the room before she did, bringing Caleb suddenly back to reality. Somehow he had missed the fact that the entire house had joined them while he was caught in his reverie.

Beau was being cagey, practically grilling Caduceus about bacon and coffee. Caleb cocked an eyebrow.

Fjord leaned back on his elbow to peer around Beau as Nott handed her what might have been bacon at one point. He locked eyes with Caleb, his own eyebrow also residing somewhere near his hairline. Caleb lifted one shoulder in a subtle shrug and Fjord smiled and bit his lip, tipping his chin down to his chest. The wizard huffed out a quiet laugh and inched forward on his seat in anticipation of what was surely about to be an interesting breakfast.

* * *

“ _ I told you we would find out in the morning,” _ Caleb’s voice echoed through Fjord’s mind, disorienting at first until he realized what was going on. He let out a soft chuckle.

“Certainly worth the wait,” Fjord whispered in reply to the message spell still ringing faintly in his head.

“What was that, Fjord?” Jester called down, wobbling slightly on the stool she stood on. Fjord instinctively reached out a hand to steady her as she climbed down, weasel in hand. His brows knit together in a frown at the paranoid creature.

“Oh just, y’know, that maybe Sprinkle would rather stay here, y’know...” Fjord teased as he pushed the stool back where it belonged.

“I already said! Sprinkle is coming, he’s happy, see?” Jester stroked a finger down Sprinkle’s nose and he nuzzled closer to her, affectionate despite the near-manic glint in his eye.

“I’m just saying, maybe–”

“He’s coming, Fjord,” she glowered, a hard edge to her voice that Fjord was, rightfully, slightly afraid of.

“Yup, coming. Got it.” He held his hands up in surrender as they made their way in to catch up with the others.

They wound their way down the tower stairs, Fjord in the lead. After a few seconds of very un-Jester silence, he tipped his head back and gave her a tight lipped smile. Her earlier joviality was replaced by worry, concern wrinkling her nose. Fjord stopped and turned around fully with a soft sigh. He looked up at her on the stair above him, knowing what was coming.

“Worried about somethin’, Jes?” he prodded, crossing his arms over his chest.

She sighed, a pout pulling at her bottom lip. Sprinkle wriggled his way into her hood and settled in for the trip, leaving her hands unoccupied. She began twisting at a lock of hair.

“Are you going to be okay, Fjord? With the ocean and, you know, everything?” she asked in return. “It’s been a while since we were in Nicodranas and I just want to make sure you’re going to be okay.”

“I’ve been around the water plenty,” he replied with a casual smirk.

Jester’s eyes narrowed, mouth quirking to the side.

Again, Fjord was expecting concern about this, but the look of distress clear on her face pulled his stomach taut with a guilt that was less expected. 

“It’ll be fine,” he reassured her. “I promise. I can handle a wet dream or two.” She laughed lightly, but her eyes still shone with anxiety. 

Fjord raked a hand through his hair. Her care was both a comfort and a source of what he was tempted to call shame. He couldn’t help the feeling of weakness it left him with to see that, no, maybe he couldn’t handle it on his own. He pressed his tongue at the tip of one of his tusks. No matter how much he might wish he could do this alone, he knew he couldn’t. 

“If something does happen, I know it’ll be fine. Because I’ve got some mighty powerful friends to help me out,” he said with a gentle poke to the tiefling’s pronounced bicep. Her smile grew at that.

“We are preeetty powerful,” Jester admitted. “We’re all here for you, you know?”

“I know, Jes. Thank you.”

She threw her arms out and pulled him in tight for a hug. Fjord’s arms were suddenly pinned to his chest, but he managed to sneak one out to fondly pat Jester’s head between her horns.

“Alright, alright,” he said with mock annoyance. “Let’s go. Now. Will you put me down, please?”

Jester laughed loudly as she lowered the half-orc down a few inches back onto the step.

“Yes, fine, fine,” she said waving one hand dramatically, but the other remained fixed on Fjord’s shoulder. Fjord cocked his head in curiosity.

While Jester’s concern seemed to have waned, there was clearly something still pulling at her mind. He stood still a moment longer, but when Jester made no move to say anything else, he shook his head and turned back down the stairs.

He did not get far before he heard a deep intake of breath somewhere behind him.

“Hey, Fjoooord,” Jester scurried down to catch up with the half-orc. “You know when you, like, like a guy but you don’t think he likes you back  _ that way  _ and that’s, like, totally fine, so you don’t say anything, and he never does either so, like, it’s fine, but not really because it makes you a little sad actually?” she finished in one breath.

Fjord felt heat rising up the back of his neck and kept walking in an effort to conceal the blush he knew now colored his cheeks. Jester was following practically at his heels, but he couldn’t find an answer for her. He knew what that was like, knew extremely well what it felt like to hold that in. But he couldn’t just tell her that, then she would ask questions and– 

“Is it, like, the same if it’s actually a girl?” Jester asked cautiously.

Fjord huffed out a breath in relief.

“Oh, jeez, Jes, I don’t know, I’ve never really, like, liked gir–” he choked back his reply piecing together what the tiefling was asking. “Wait, do  _ you  _ like a girl?” He turned around to face her again.

Jester flailed to a stop, narrowly avoiding sending Fjord tumbling down the remainder of the staircase. She crossed her arms, pouting once more.

“Okay, technically, I never said that, technically,” Jester continued. “And if I did like a girl or like, just girls, or like, you know, I know that’s fine! I just– wait do you  _ not  _ like girls?”

Fjord blinked once. He thought back over what he’d said and blinked again. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, not unlike a fish trying to breathe out of water. 

In front of him, Jester seemed to be in the same proverbial boat. Being Jester, though, she recovered her ability to speak first.

“That actually makes, like, a lot of sense,” she tapped a finger to her chin. “I mean, you do get kind of awkward whenever ladies flirt with you.”

“Okay, let’s not go gettin’ ahead of ourselves here,” Fjord cleared his throat. “We were talking about your crush on Beau,” he said, shifting focus back onto her.

“I never said anything about Beau!” Jester gasped dramatically, while simultaneously turning a very vibrant shade of violet. “And how would you know? You didn’t even realize I might like girls until just now!”

“Call it an educated guess,” he shrugged. “And now I’m thinkin’ about it, it’s kinda obvious.”

“Oh, like you staring at Caleb all breakfast?” she retorted, slamming the ball right back into Fjord’s court.

They stood there in silence until the sound of footsteps alerted them to Caduceus climbing the stairs.

“Ah, this is. This is tense,” he said, not bothering to stop. “I’ll just, ah, squeeze past you here.”

The large firbolg pressed himself against the wall as best he could, managing to shove the other two into the opposite wall in the process. 

“Sorry, sorry,” he said, finally managing to make his way past them.

Fjord and Jester stood quietly until Caduceus was out of earshot. When they heard the door close at the top of the stairs, Jester broke down in a fit of giggles, Fjord not far behind.

“What,” Jester laughed, wiping at her eyes. “What are we even doing?”

Fjord pulled himself together, hand going to the small stitch forming in his side. He shook his head abruptly, his smile firmly in place.

“Very pointedly  _ not  _ discussing anything crush-like,” he glanced up at her again. “Apparently.”

“I’m sorry,” Jester said, her grin falling a bit. “I didn’t mean to make you, like, come out to me or something. Not if you didn’t want to.”

“Oh,” Fjord sighed, rolling his neck. “It’s not really all that big of a deal. It’s just not something I really know how to…” he trailed off, poking at his tusks with the tip of his tongue. “I don’t really talk about stuff like that too much.”

“Well, maybe you should, you know. Talk about it more,” she shrugged.

They heard the door above close once more.

“Some other time,” she finished and pushed her way past Fjord with a friendly pat on his shoulder.

* * *

Caleb smiled softly as he put his copper wire back where it belonged in his component pouch, letting the ghost of Fjord’s laughter warm him. Glancing out at the room around him, Caleb clapped his hands together lightly, ready to get to work. 

He began moving some of the furniture over to the edges of the laboratory, taking care with the Brenattos’ alchemy equipment and clearing a space in the center large enough for his sigil. As he readied his supplies, ensuring he had just the right amount of chalk for the job, he thought through their plans for the rest of the day. 

He let himself drift through their prospective schedule as he started drawing the intricate markings of the teleportation circle. His focus on the task at hand was lax, but he trusted his muscle memory to get him through. He could probably draw this circle in his sleep, never mind that he’d only done it once before.

They would travel to the Tidepeak. Then they would take Yeza and Nott to the Lavish Chateau to meet up with Luc. This would also allow Jester to spend time with her mother. Then, they would have the day in the city before returning to Xhorhas the next day. A very straight forward trip, as far as Caleb could foresee. As long as nothing caught up with them.

The hint of a smile touched his features as he thought about how his friends deserved to relax, especially after everything that had happened these past few days. A little sun would be good for them all, if not necessarily for his complexion.

_ A lobster tan indeed,  _ he recalled, thoughts drifting to Fjord and the way his cool fingers felt brushing against the warmth of his flushed cheeks. 

The faint clicking of the door to his left brought him out of the memory and he lifted his gaze absently. Nott had carefully padded her way into the room, nimbly avoiding the intricate lines of the sigil. As it was he barely registered her presence and assumed that if she didn’t want him to know she was there, he never would have.

He looked back to the runes in front of him and drew the second to last line as she watched quietly over his shoulder. Standing carefully so as not to disturb his nearly completed work, he brushed his hands lightly on his trousers, turning to look toward the goblin.

“Is Yeza all packed, then?” he asked, eyes lingering on the floor.

“Oh, oh, yeah,” she said, waving a hand. “I don’t think he ever really unpacked, honestly.”

“Ah,” Caleb said, pulling his hands together to idly scratch at the mark on his palm, something he’d apparently started doing pretty regularly.

“Just wanted to check in, is all,” she replied. “You’ve seemed, well, a bit distracted. I just wanted to see how you were.”

“I am okay,” he said as he walked over to sit in the chair next to where Nott was standing. “I was going to come talk to you soon, in fact.”

She leaned against the wall, pulling her arms close, and tilted her head in question.

“You’re going to see your boy, again. Your family back together,” he remarked.

“Yeah, I… I am. I don’t know if I’m ready for that.”

“I am sure it will be fine. Yeza loves you dearly,” Caleb tried to ease her worry, looking into her round eyes for a moment before glancing away.

“He does. He does,” she sighed. “Doesn’t really mean I’m comfortable, though.”

“I do understand that.” Caleb pulled his lips into a tight smile. 

They sat for a moment, the wizard’s eyes focused on the whorl of a knot in the wooden door frame across the way. Nott cleared her throat.

“You know. I think you do,” she said slowly. “I’ve said it before, and I truly believe it, that you are a... a kind, good man. And you nod and you look at the ground.”

Caleb leaned forward, head down, knowing he was just proving her point.

“But it doesn’t mean you believe it, does it?” she coaxed.

“Hm,” he scratched at his jaw. “No. No it does not.”

“Well. I’m not going to stop saying it. Eventually I hope you do believe it. That taking what you used to be and making the effort to change is hard. It’s really hard and you’re doing it.” She placed a hand on his shoulder. “Anyone can get a second chance if they try. And it isn’t about deserving it. It’s about becoming someone you can be proud of in the end.”

“I will keep that in mind,” he placed a hand over hers, smiling sadly.

“You better!” she said. “We love you, you know. Even if you have terrible taste in men.”

“Erm,” Caleb whipped his head up. “Pardon?” he faltered. Nott had already turned away.

“I mean, Essek is such a nice boy, I thought you got along so well! And he’s got nothing to do with the water!” Caleb sank back into the chair, cheeks hot. “But I love you and I support you even if green is a terrible color on you, no offense.”

Of course she would notice. She’s not very observant, but she knows Caleb. It was embarrassing, though, to be read so plainly. 

“I, ah,” his voice cracked and he cleared his throat. “I appreciate the gesture, but it is unnecessary. I can’t, um. I won’t do anything about it. Things are… good as they are.”

“Oh, don’t let it change anything. Where have I heard this before?” she said cryptically. Caleb narrowed his eyes. “Not important,” she waved him off. “I won’t say anything. But do you know, like, does he like. Are you his type? Is that a thing?” 

“I don’t–”

“Well, he’s not very good with the ladies, that’s for sure,” she said loudly as the hall door opened and Beau stepped in. 

She looked between the two of them, eyebrow raised.

“Who are we talking about?” she asked.

Caleb stood up, placing a hand over Nott’s mouth quickly.

“No one important,” he said. “Are we almost ready? Where are the others?” Caleb glanced around, not looking at anything in particular, but specifically avoiding anyone’s eyes.

“Right,” Nott said. “I don’t know nothin’ about nobody. I’ll go grab Yeza.” She left the way she came, hopping over chalk lines on her way to their room.

Beau watched her leave, Caleb watched Beau. Her arms were crossed and her eyebrow was still arched. This was becoming an extremely awkward morning. Beau looked to him once more.

“If you guys say so. I think Caduceus said he’d be right down, Jester and Fjord should be on their way,” she said, plopping down onto the chaise Caleb had pushed against the wall earlier. “Not entirely sure what’s up with that,” she added somewhat dejectedly.

Caleb couldn’t help but feel similarly, though he knew that his own jealousy, because that’s what it was, really, would only make things harder. For him and for everyone else. He did, however, wonder why Beau might be upset by the two of them spending time together. Before he had a chance to press her on the matter, though, the hall door opened again, revealing Jester and Fjord, followed closely by Caduceus.

“Are we all here?” the firbolg said as he made his way into the room. Caleb pulled his chalk back out at the ready for the final line, grateful for the sudden shift in topic.

“Present and accounted for!” Nott yelled, pulling Yeza with her into the room.

The whole party piled into the lab. It was a tight squeeze, but Nott and her husband were small, and Jester had no qualms about personal space, pressing herself to Beau’s side. Fjord shuffled over next to Caleb, their shoulders brushing. 

“Mind gettin’ us outta here?” Fjord leaned in and murmured, warm breath on Caleb’s ear. Caleb couldn’t keep from glancing quickly at Nott, who looked at him with big eyes. 

Clearing his throat, he knelt and finished the circle, which immediately pulsed with blue magical energy.

“ _ Ja _ , okay, here we go, here we go, come on, come on,” he said quickly, rushing them through in the six seconds he knew they had. Unconsciously, he reached out and grabbed onto Fjord’s hand, pulling him through the glowing center of the sigil.

  
  



End file.
